mAvErIck spEAks

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Sins and Sinners


It never baffled me before the way it baffles me today. I was never as disturbed as I am today. It never was a distraction as it is today. The difference between morality and immorality, sin and virtue, sinner and noble…why am I suddenly bothered? Is it because I have seen too many of it around me or is it because I am suddenly opening my eyes to this? No, perhaps, I was never out of it. I too have committed my shares of sin. But I never cared to stop and think for a moment about what sin am I committing. Or perhaps I wasn’t aware that my doings are actually sins. No. at some instances, I was aware that I am committing a sin. If I say I did it deliberately, I would be still lying. No one wants to commit sin as everyone is afraid of the predicament that follows. It is the pure thrill, the excitement, to taste the forbidden, which drives us mad and our mental faculty’s momentarily suspension forces us to do which is called sin…

But I shouldn’t be too hysterical about this sin business. No one; yes no one is flawless. So what if I committed sins? There are others who are in the same boat too. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboards. ‘The one, who never sinned, shall cast the first stone’…is it possible? Is it possible to find someone who has never sinned? Perhaps not. Then why I am so restless? Why suddenly I am so miserable…or I am confused? Am I really worried or I am just being jealous? Jealous of those who had greater fun while they sinned. There sin was much more fruitful than mine. The forbidden fruit of sin they had was much sweeter than mine …

Is this I am thinking…perhaps not. When I put my-self in the situation, I find my self still less a sinner than those. I would never have done what they did. But as one of my friend said, the real test only begins when put to an actual condition. Rests are theories…

But I can’t shed all this sin baggage by just being philosophical. I must stop all this. I must be conscious now. I must awake. I must detest sins. But what about the taste of the forbidden…what about all that thrill, excitement and ecstatic pleasure, sin brings along? What about that lost fun, which I could never, had and others just had handful of it? What about those pleasures, carnal and others, which are the fruit of sins…am I going to miss them as I always did…

I am confused, perhaps.

I met my Brutus...

Ever felt cheated…stabbed…stabbed at back…from the quarters you never expected…and at a time when you were completely off-guard…just the way Julius Caesar was stabbed by Brutus…? We all have our Brutus in our lives. Some encounter him early, some late and some too early. I, perhaps, have met him quite early in my life. This Brutus has no fixed gender. He can be a male, a clever creature, not necessarily sinister looking, with one of the friendliest faces and a smile on lips but a nefarious scheme hidden in the layers of his hearts and wouldn’t miss a chance to stab you. And this Brutus can be a female too, looking delicate, but one of the strongest minds working behind, to make your life a living hell. Being camouflaged in fairer sex helps this Brutus appear unsuspecting and thus the stabbing becomes, swift, easy and the prey is caught vulnerable…

My Brutus stabbed me from behind, typical of Brutus. The dilemma is, we all know that there is a Brutus waiting for us, lurking from behind and will stab at the most opportune time, when we’ll be too carefree and too assured that nothing can go wrong, but we can’t identify him when we still have time to avoid the slayer…because the Brutus is one of them whom we trust the most. The reason behind Brutus’ flawless kill is that he knows us as close as we know ourselves. And sometimes better than that…

My Brutus killed me…I wouldn’t identify the gender of my Brutus because that is futile. The truth and the only truth is that I am murdered. I wouldn’t live again. But let me confess one thing. I want to thank my Brutus. I want to thank because I’ve learnt a lesson, a lesson for the life…that never place trust on anybody…no….never. Because, you never know, who suddenly garb Brutus-sque and murder you.

Julius Caesar was fortunate. He had moments of life left to look behind and ask his Brutus…mine didn’t give me a chance to ask…‘et tu Brutus’.

Monday, June 27, 2005

To be or not to be…


For the last few days, in fact almost all of this month, I couldn’t write anything. No long posts on my blog, not even scribbled thoughts...

It’s not that I didn’t get any time to do so. All of us who complain of a time crunch lie. How can we find time to do hundreds of other things and still complain about time crunch? So I’ll be lying if I say that I didn’t get time. I had enough time to write… during post lunch hours in my office, when all I did was to swap sites lazily and searching something cheesy to read or on the weekends when I lounged whole day watching TV or listening to music or better still fantasizing. But I didn’t write. Today, when my conscience over flowed with remorse and my soul cursed me for being lazy and when I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, I decided to write.

But before I got to write, I realized that there was absolutely nothing to write about. Not that the world went ‘eventless’ for these days or my surroundings were completely ‘uninspiring’. Just that I was too self-indulgent to notice events, notice my surroundings, and notice change. Reason – my state of mind.

This month was bad or should I say worse. I had hell of experiences, bad experiences. Nothing seemed right. As if powers up there decided to wreck havoc in my life. My belief that either there is no God or he is being very mean to me got strengthened.

In fact the very moment I try to tell my self that there is no such thing as God makes me realize that there is certainly one sitting up there and for reasons known only to him, he is making my life a living hell.

Situation is not as bad as this exaggerated piece of writing, but it is certainly not normal…or why would a crisis after crisis followed and still continuing on all the fronts, personal or professional.

My not picking up some thread and writing, it seems now, was a deliberately made decision. The kind of mental state I was in and still not out of it would have pushed me to write something so drastic that it could have caused me further humiliation and embarrassment.

But then a fellow blogger, whose posts I read often had posted these lines which I found so true…‘We write, not just to communicate, but to keep ourselves sane...’ so true.

So here I am writing to ease my self, to achieve a sense of relief, to keep myself sane…to find an outlet for the mental agony I am going through.

I guess I need to write more often. So that I get this outlet regularly, so that I don’t get mad…mad at things which are beyond my control.