mAvErIck spEAks

Monday, June 27, 2005

To be or not to be…


For the last few days, in fact almost all of this month, I couldn’t write anything. No long posts on my blog, not even scribbled thoughts...

It’s not that I didn’t get any time to do so. All of us who complain of a time crunch lie. How can we find time to do hundreds of other things and still complain about time crunch? So I’ll be lying if I say that I didn’t get time. I had enough time to write… during post lunch hours in my office, when all I did was to swap sites lazily and searching something cheesy to read or on the weekends when I lounged whole day watching TV or listening to music or better still fantasizing. But I didn’t write. Today, when my conscience over flowed with remorse and my soul cursed me for being lazy and when I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, I decided to write.

But before I got to write, I realized that there was absolutely nothing to write about. Not that the world went ‘eventless’ for these days or my surroundings were completely ‘uninspiring’. Just that I was too self-indulgent to notice events, notice my surroundings, and notice change. Reason – my state of mind.

This month was bad or should I say worse. I had hell of experiences, bad experiences. Nothing seemed right. As if powers up there decided to wreck havoc in my life. My belief that either there is no God or he is being very mean to me got strengthened.

In fact the very moment I try to tell my self that there is no such thing as God makes me realize that there is certainly one sitting up there and for reasons known only to him, he is making my life a living hell.

Situation is not as bad as this exaggerated piece of writing, but it is certainly not normal…or why would a crisis after crisis followed and still continuing on all the fronts, personal or professional.

My not picking up some thread and writing, it seems now, was a deliberately made decision. The kind of mental state I was in and still not out of it would have pushed me to write something so drastic that it could have caused me further humiliation and embarrassment.

But then a fellow blogger, whose posts I read often had posted these lines which I found so true…‘We write, not just to communicate, but to keep ourselves sane...’ so true.

So here I am writing to ease my self, to achieve a sense of relief, to keep myself sane…to find an outlet for the mental agony I am going through.

I guess I need to write more often. So that I get this outlet regularly, so that I don’t get mad…mad at things which are beyond my control.

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